posted by WDavid at 9/17/2006 04:55:00 PM
Prelude To Sacrifice
by W. David MacKenzie
(c) 2006
I bounced my shoulders several times to settle the ceremonial feathered cape into a comfortable hang as Seven-Rabbit tied the beaded loin cloth around my middle. I sucked in my belly self-consciously as he worked at the knots and made a mental note to cut back on the sugared maize cakes. I picked up the folded itinerary lying on the shelf and scanned down the glyphs drawn in Seven-Rabbit's meticulous penmanship.
"Looks like we'll finish the ceremonies today," I dropped the paper back on the shelf and checked my face paint in the mirror.
"Yes, Lord Priest, there are only a dozen outlanders remaining."
"I've told you many times, you need not be so formal when we're alone."
Seven-Rabbit hung his head slightly. "Yes sir, but you're wearing the holy cloak and the turquoise collar."
I tousled the boy’s hair. "Lad, we're on a tiny colony island on the edge of the Eastern Ocean. It's amazing to me that Huitzilopochtli can even find our temple to look down on these ceremonies." Seven-Rabbit hid his face in his hands in fearful reverence. I shook my head. Perhaps he would loosen up one day, but it wouldn’t be today.
I faced the niche that held the symbol of my office. The sacred headdress of gold and feathers was a thousand years of ritual caging my soul. I was no more a free man than the outlanders, no less a prisoner for my chains being tradition and ceremony. The midday chime of the Xin Da Lu clock drew my eyes and refocused my mind. Sighing, I lifted the headdress and placed it firmly upon my smooth pate then turned to the arch leading to the temple terrace.
Seven-Rabbit knelt before me. His head was bowed and in his up-stretched hands he cradled the ceremonial flint knife. I grasped the hilt of the stone blade and drew the jagged edge lightly across Seven-Rabbit's palms. My fresh cut sliced across the web of old scars on the boy's hands and blood welled to the surface.
"I am blessed, Lord Priest," he said and scuttled backward out of my path.
We both had parts to play in the ritual, he the obedient chac giving first blood to a greedy god, and I the feral warrior priest intent on sacrifice. I put on my best god-crazed sneer and walked out into the glaring midday sun. The crowd gathered at the foot of the temple pyramid cheered. Their excitement fueled me. My hands flew up and out in practiced moves—the fingers of my left hand spread wide, the fingers of my right hand gripping the ritual blade. I shook my arms and gritted my teeth. My eyes, unnaturally wide and fervent, drew gasps from commoners and merchants alike, and I imagined that even the temple architects and engineers took a step back in the small reed gondolas dangling beneath their tethered hot air balloons.
I was ready for the show.
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WDavid,
WDavid,
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Prelude To Sacrifice
2 Comments:
This is the first piece of fiction in my First Empires project and also my assignment for a writing class in which I'm currently enrolled.
The assignment was: Write a scene in which elements of your imaginary world are brought to the fore through any means other than having a character remark on or explain something. Weave startling setting elements into a scene that puts the reader into a new world. You have up to 500 words.
Please tell me if I accomplished this assigned task and how you think I did it or failed to do it. Any other comments are welcome as well. Obviously, this is just a scene, not an entire story, so don't judge it harsh for being plotless. :-)
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WDavid, at 9/17/2006 05:00:00 PM
Here are the comments from my classmates...
WDavid: Classmates...when commenting on my assignments please keep in mind that I'm less interested in the things you LIKED or what was GOOD about the piece and more interested in what you DID NOT LIKE or what was BAD in the story. Be as harsh and nitpicky as possible. Thanks! :-)
Cathy Chance: Ok, in the first paragraph, you started each sentence with "I". It might read easier if this was varied more. When your narrator asks Seven-Rabbit to be less formal, he uses very formal speech himself...it sorta jars. You do much better in the next paragraph spoken by the narrator. I'm sure as the story progresses, you'll answer the questions about just what this society is.
WDavid: Cathy...Thanks...That's exactly the type of critique I'm looking for. How's this for a re-write on the first paragraph?
I bounced my shoulders several times to settle the ceremonial feathered cape into a comfortable hang as Seven-Rabbit tied the beaded loin cloth around my middle. As the boy worked at the intricate knots I sucked in my belly self-consciously and made a mental note to cut back on the sugarded maize cakes. The day's itinerary lying on the shelf caught my eye and I picked it up to scan down the glyphs drawn in Seven-Rabbit's meticulous penmanship.
...and this for the too formal line...
I've told you many times, there's no need to be so formal when we're alone.
...The society is an alternate history meso-america...kind of an aztec/maya melding. You can read more about my world at www.firstempires.com...would love any comments there as well.
Kim Huett: Hi, David. Forgive me, but I liked it! I think it's awesome that you would explore PreColumbian America (or something like it). Now, what seemed strange to me was the modern-day awareness that eating maize cakes would have an effect on the belly and that one should cut back on them. I was also uncertain that as to whether/not this god/man would be so down-to-earth. That seemed very unlikely to me. However, I have not done research, and I don't know what such a person would have been like. I would think that such a person would really buy into his godliness and not give a darn if Seven-Rabbit was comfortable around him or not. But, who's to say? Maybe that's part of what interested me...being able to relate to the Lord Priest. A well-writ piece.
WDavid: Thanks Kim...Hey, I like praise, don't get me wrong, but the nitty gritty critiquing will be more helful in improving my style. :-) You'll see more of this in assignment 3 when we get into character sketches, but the Lord Priest (I'm still considering names) is not your typical pseudo-aztec model. His life has disillusioned him and the beaurocracy has pretty much cast him aside. He's not full of himself but he still feels a rush when the adulation of the crowd flows through him like an actor on a stage...or when, as will become evendent as the story evolves, he is planning a bit of deceit and revenge to regain his deserved place in the priesthood and a compass for his life. As for the maize cakes...well, he's living a mostly soft and cushy life on a carribean island colony so he's had time to notice how soft living equates to soft body.
laf: This is a well described scene ... and I do think your re-write is stronger than your original.
WDavid: LAF...Thanks...I am curious if anyone has visited the First Empires web site and if they have any comments on the world I outlined there. All comments welcome and encouraged.
KJ: Good writing. Show don't tell. I know you want criticism, but I have to give you praise. You have done research obviously on the ancient culture of the Aztec/Inca, etc. How ever, your psychological picture is more from someone of the modern culture in the way they associate with each other. Meso-America is a land of superstitions (to us). But then, what do I know, I didn't live then either. but again, perhaps you have seen something that archeologists lack, real people. Good writing.
Robert: Wow. You didn't leave me much to critique. The scene really evokes the feel of a futuristic Aztec society with a good dollop of humour mixed in. The one thing that I thought didn't quite work was the part "My eyes, unaturally wide and fervent". The description here is coming from the character himself, and he would not be in a position to see how his own eyes looked. It's possible that he knows his eyes look like this because it is an expression he is putting on, but this isn't really made clear from the text. Otherwise, I thought this was quite good.
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WDavid, at 9/21/2006 05:57:00 AM
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