posted by WDavid at 9/24/2006 08:09:00 PM
Character Sketches
Pochotl Axayaca
In a small city, the First Priest of even a minor god like Ehecatl has some social standing, but this minimal standing is not enough for Pochotl. He was born the fifth son of a minor noble in a far off colony of the Yucatec Dominion. He has had to settle for cast offs and hand-me-downs from his older and more popular siblings his entire life. He attended second-rate schools and was consecrated to a second-rate god because none of the important temples would take him. A lifetime of being taught to accept the will of the gods did not sit well with him and he has done everything in his power to struggle up the ranks in the priesthood of Ehecatl. Now that he has attained First Priest status in this little city he sees it as nothing more than a stepping stone to another posting in a bigger city or even the capital of the Dominion. With the unfortunate deaths of the First and Second Priests of Tlaloc during the unlucky days of Uayeb, it seems that Ehecatl has finally smiled on him. The Festival of Atlcualo is only one day away and they will undoubtedly ask him to put aside his role as Festival Second to lead the prestigious ceremonies. This should get the attention of other temples and speed his climb up the ladder of power.
Three-Crocodile
Even a small city can be a scary place for a thirteen-year-old thrust into the limelight before he’s ready and Three-Crocodile has never seen himself as ready for anything. Orphaned as an infant when his parents were swept away in a flood, Three-Crocodile was given to the temple of Tlaloc to be raised in the ways of the god. He studied hard and learned his lessons well, but he’s always been unsure of himself and has never sought to distinguished himself in any way. Some call him Cocozca’s Shadow because he’s never far from the First Priest’s side. Three-Crocodile was hoping to live his live out as a minor priest in a minor town, but the bizarre death of both the First and Second Priests of Tlaloc at the cenote on the last day of Uayeb has left him as the only other priest to Tlaloc in the city on the eve of the Festival of Atlcualo. While he’d like nothing better than to melt into the background and let someone else lead the ceremonies, his gut tells him that he owes a debt to Tlaloc for saving him from the flood that killed his parents and to the now dead First Priest who raised him. Three-Crocodile is scared and shy. He worries that the prayer for rains and a fruitful growing season is too important to trust to a boy who hasn’t even had his naming day yet?
Excerpt from "Festival Of Atlcualo"
By W. David MacKenzie
© 2006
“I first want to tell you both how sorry I am at the loss of Cocozca and Mazatl. The First and Second of Tlaloc will be greatly missed.” The First of Huitzilopochtli was an elderly man and his voice was gravelly from too many years of ecstatic ritualism. “However, with Tlaloc’s Festival of Atlcualo beginning tomorrow, we must find a way to proceed.”
Three-Crocodile’s throat tightened at the memory of yesterday’s tragic events. He opened his mouth to thank the city’s High Priest for his kind words, but he was cut off by Pochotl’s reedy voice.
“I could not agree more, Lord Tayauh. As First of Ehecatl I stand ready to assume full control of Atlcualo.” Pochotl sat taller in his chair as he spoke. “The god of the winds plays a significant role in the sacrifice to beseech the rains and I see no other way to proceed.”
“Lord...” Three-Crocodile’s near whisper disappeared under the husky voice of the elder priest.
“I appreciate your offer, Pochotl, but I and several of the other Firsts think it would be best to delay the Festival for a few days so that we can request a new First of Tlaloc from the capital.” Silence filled the room briefly as Pochotl and Three-Crocodile absorbed the implications of the High Priest’s words.
Three-Crocodile leaned forward “With all due...”
“Lord Tayauh! That is a dangerous plan.” Pochotl rose from his chair and ticked off points with his fingers. “Last year the rains began late and ended early. The maize crop was nearly lost. The water in the wells sank lower than anyone can remember. Tlaloc is already angry with our community. Do you dare risk delaying his ceremonies?”
“My point ex...” Three-Crocodile began but Lord Tayauh, still spry in his old age, sprang to his feet, tipping his chair backward in his zeal.
“And how much favor will Tlaloc find in having the First of Ehecatl officiating at his festival?” The men stood eye to eye, neither one blinking.
“I’ll do it.” Three-Crocodile was surprised to hear his voice booming through the room.
Distracted from their standoff by Three-Crocodile’s unexpected outburst, the two priests turned to face him. The First of Huitzilopochtli looked thoughtful but Pochotl’s face was a vicious sneer. “You? Cocozca’s Shadow?”
Three-Crocodile flinched at the derisive nickname and nearly retreated back into his shell, but the sound of his dead master’s name gave him strength and he stood to face Pochotl. “Yes, me. I can lead the festival.”
“You’re just a boy.” Pochotl stepped toward him and prodded the youth’s chest as he listed Three-Crocodile’s deficiencies. “You have not completed your training; you’ve never officiated over a complete ceremony let alone an entire festival; and you’ve never sacrificed anything more substantial than a squash.”
Three-Crocodile deflated a little with each point Pochotl made--all were completely true and he was about to collapse back into his chair when the old priest spoke.
“Could you really do it?”
Pochotl turned to gape at Tayauh. “You’re not seriously...”
“Be still, Pochotl.” The First of Ehecatl folded into his chair and the old man’s scowl softened as he repeated his question to the boy. “Could you do it?”
Three-Crocodile stood in silent thought for several moments before he replied in a soft but steady tone. “I saw Lord Cocozca lead the festival four times; I know the rites; and I am the only priest of Tlaloc within three days of this city.”
“Priest? Ha!”
“Pochotl, I will tolerate no further disrespect for a fellow priest.”
Three-Crocodile’s spirit soared at the support of the city’s primary religious leader.
“My son, you have spoken the one basic truth of this crisis. You are the only person available to us who is trained in the rituals and consecrated to Tlaloc. You will lead the Festival of Atlcualo.”
Pochotl was out of his chair and striding toward the door before the First of Huitzilopochtli finished speaking. “This is a mistake, Lord Tayauh. Mark my words--the boy will bring disaster down upon us all.”
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Sunday, September 24, 2006
"Atlcualo" Characters and Chapter 3
5 Comments:
Here is assignment three from my current writing class. The assignment was to write a character sketch for a protagonist and an antoginist (250 words for each) and then to write a 500 word dialogue scene to show conflict between them. My dialogue scene is about 150 words too long. Other than that, please be as hash as possible in telling my what I've done wrong here and how you think I should change it to make it right.
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WDavid, at 9/24/2006 08:14:00 PM
Okay, I only have a couple of comments. #1, I don't think there should be a question mark at the end of Three-Crocodile's sketch since the sentence was not written as a question. #2, I find it very difficult reading these strange names since I don't know a thing about the culture you're writing about and you haven't offered a single clue as to how to pronounce them.
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Ruth, at 9/27/2006 04:32:00 AM
Ruth...
Thanks for your comments and for struggling through the piece. :-)
The Question mark is a remnant from the first draft that didn't get changed. Sorry. :-)
As for the names...the class members echoed your comments. The names were too unfamiliar and hard to pronounce. I'll post the class comments next along with a pronunciation guide.
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WDavid, at 9/27/2006 06:48:00 AM
Instructor DeChancie: Again shows a great cultural depth and penetration of an alien worldview. Very imaginative story material here. I'm impressed with this one as well.
Cathy Chance: Well done. Personally, I have a hard time with these names, but I understand the setting demands it. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to skip over named I can't pronounce, so it's easy to lose the thread of what's going on. (I've heard others make the same complaint.) Not sure what you can do about it, given the setting.
Joe: Quetzalcoatl, the setting is intriguing, as are the characters, but there are too many exotic names bursting off of the page at one time. They become a noisy cluster that distracts the eye. I didn’t have a problem with the names themselves, but I think that you need less proper nouns, and more common nouns to give me a clearer view of your world. The tension created by the religious politicking that occurs in what appears to be a theocracy is very enticing to me as a reader. The classic tale of a young man trying to adapt to, and also change the world he is maturing in has set well with audiences since our ancestors first began gathering around an evening fire. Well done. Given the quality of your writing, I have no doubt that you can pull this story off. Stay true to your vision!
laf: Goodness ... this is really good, strong dialogue, clearly defined conflict, and sort of the 'coming of age' of Three Crocodile (why wouldn't that be plural, by the way?). I have to echo the concern on the names, perhaps because so many players and gods (plus the city and festival names) are introduced so quickly, we don't have time to assimilate what (to us) are very foreign, unpronounceable names. Right off the get-go, paragraph 1, we have 5 such names alone; in the third paragraph, you add 3 more new names. Not sure if you could use only the titles or only the names for selected characters (to slow down the volume of names) or if you could consider anglicizing some items (e.g. the festival name) ... it's hard to suggest because you don't want to lose the wonderful feel for the culture and richness that you've developed (which is excellent). Other than that, I have no real criticism. Your characters feel true and are acting from genuine motives; the dialogue is real (and fitting language for what would be upper class - the priesthood); your plot is interesting; and I look forward to reading more.
WDavid: In a book I could add a glossary at the end with a pronunciation guide...but I've never seen that done in a short story. Here's a brief tutorial if you're interested in pronouncing Nahuatl (The Aztec language)...
"A" sounds like "AH"
"E" sounds like "AY"
"I" sounds like "EE"
"O" sounds like "OH"
"U" sounds like "OO"
"C" usually sounds like "K"
“CE” sounds like “SAY”
“CI” sounds like “SEE”
“CH” sounds like the beginning of “CHEESE”
"X" sounds like "SH"
"TL" sound like the end of "CATTLE"
The emphasis is always on the next to the last syllable.
So, the names are...
Pochotl Axayaca (Poe-CHO-tl ah-shah-YAH-kah)
Ehecatl (ay-hay-CA-tl)
Tayauh (tah-YAH-oo) (the "H" is silent here)
Cocozca (koe-KOHZ-ka)
Mazatl (mah-ZAH-tl)
Huitzilopochtli (whooeet-zill-oh-POHCH-tlee)
Tlaloc (TLAH-lohk)
Atlcualo (ah-tl-KWAHL-oh)
By
WDavid, at 9/27/2006 06:51:00 AM
Even when you know how to pronounce them they don't roll easily off the tongue! Thanks for the short lesson though.
By
Ruth, at 9/27/2006 12:03:00 PM
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