Putting Pen To Paper

Thursday, July 20, 2006

try not to think

posted by Aaron at 7/20/2006 11:22:00 PM

I try not to think that you don’t want to be with me
I try not to think I am old news to you
I try not to remember the last time we touched
I try to tell myself its all a dream, wake up!
I try to convince myself love has left my heart
No more pain,and that nothing can tear me apart.
I try to not wait by the phone for you to call
I try not to act like I am not waiting around for you
It is hard enough to pretend you are here
I think of you and here it comes, a tear
Not only for sadness but fear and doubt
That one day I will come home and find that you have ran out.
click to show or hide the full text of this post
click to post a comment or read comments from: Blogger Aaron, Blogger Ruth, Blogger Peter, Blogger WDavid,

4 Comments:

  • ok not the happiest poem around just real these all come from that real place inside in the moment.
    Aaron

    By Blogger Aaron, at 7/20/2006 11:30:00 PM  

  • Aaron, it certainly touches me - all feelings I've had before myself, and written about.

    I find it a bit confusing though, as though you are at first writing about someone who is not there, yet you go on to reveal that you are living with them in the last sentence. (Although I have to admit that we CAN life with someone and feel like they're not there!)

    Which brings me to the last sentence... "ran" should probably be "run" grammatically speaking. Actually, I don't like the sentence and feel it might read better if you had said "That one day I will come home and find you gone."

    Just something to think about.

    By Blogger Ruth, at 7/21/2006 07:58:00 AM  

  • I recognize this too -- and love the twist at the end. I've done that -- "living together alone" -- or is it that "alone together?"

    I particularly like the line "I think of you and here it comes, a tear"

    however I have a complaint about the double negative a few lines before that. I tried to read it without the nots, but that didn't make sense either.

    About the "ran out" in the end -- yes, I think either "you have run out", or "you ran out" -- I prefer the later because it is in the present, like the tear.

    By Blogger Peter, at 7/23/2006 07:07:00 PM  

  • Aaron...As Ruth and Peter has noted, I too am familiar with the feeling of living alone together with someone. I also found ressonance with fifth line where you're trying to convince yourself that you're not in love with him so that a split will be easier...but love is still there and it cannot be denied.

    Like Peter, I have a feeling that line eight has too many "nots". The double negative makes it readlike "I try to act like I'm waiting for you" and I don't think that's what you intended. You may have meant "I try to look like I'm not waiting for you" because that would echo the ideas in lives five and seven.

    And yes, I think changing "ran" to "run" would be more grammatically correct.

    I do not know what your thoughts are on rhyme in poetry. In this particular piece you have an inconsistent rhyming pattern. 1 & 2 do not rhyme, 3 & 4 do not rhyme, but 5 & 6 do rhyme. 7 & 8 do not rhyme, then 9 & 10 do rhyme as do 11 & 12. So, half of the line-pairs rhyme and half do not. It might help the poem make it all one way or all the other.

    By Blogger WDavid, at 7/27/2006 11:09:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home